A Lecture on The Old Bachelor

 

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A Lecture on the Old Bachelor

 

 

     The old bachelor is a species of humanity that I have never been able to understand.

      Just why a man wants to eke out a miserable life of what he calls single blessedness is a problem that will require the department of agriculture to figure out.

     This is not only contrary to nature, but its contrary to Holy writ for a man to live single.  Of course the Apostle Paul tries to make us believe that its best to remain single as he was but Paul being an old bachelor did not know what it is to have a loving companion.

     If Paul had had an old fashioned girl to share his sorrows of life, stand by him in his trials and troubles, he would have never laid down that sentence.  He would have agreed with old Solomon, for you know that old Sol said that whoso findeth a wife, findeth a mighty good thing; and its reasonable to suppose that old Sol knew what he was talking about for he had seven hundred wives and three hundred concubines.

     Say Mr. Editor, why is it that a man will live single when he can easily find himself an old fashioned girl that is willing to cook his meals when he's hungry, wash his clothes when they are dirty, mend his pants when he tears them, sew on his buttons when he breaks them off, milk his cows while he holds the calves, love him when he is lonely, comfort him when he is despondent, nurse him when he is sick, shed tears over him when he is dying and then plant flowers over his grave when his soul has journeyed on to the happy hunting ground.

     If you can't answer this question Mr. Editor, suppose you ask Judge Ingraham, maybe he can.

     Some old bachelors will tell us that they are not able financially to marry.  In the name of high Heaven that is the sorriest excuse that I ever heard of.  Why bless your life, any man is able to marry in Nacogdoches county, while Lake Orton is county clerk and Frank Houston justice of the peace.

     Why it has been said that Lake Orton will gladly sell a man marriage license for one dollar and Frank Houston will perform the ceremony and start him off on the road to glory for fifteen cents.

     I believe that Judge Perriette charges two-bits.  If I am not mistaken, that is what he charged me three years ago.  And any man that can't get up one dollar and fifteen cents, or even a dollar and a quarter for the glorious privilege of having all these joys and comforts of life, ought to be sent to the Orphan's Home.

     If I was a mis-representative to the legislature I would introduce a bill to levy an annual tax of ten dollars on every old bachelor for the purpose of creating a pension fund for the destitute widows and old maids of Texas.  And if Texas ever gets women's suffrage I expect to become a candidate for that office.

     I would not expect to get any old bachelor's votes, however, but I am sure that I would carry the women's vote and get enough married men's vote to give me a nice majority over my opponent.

Respectfully,

Rev. Sambo Johnson

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